Dear Martha

Dear Martha Stewart,

 

I've always felt a smidgen of self-loathing anytime I liked one of your company's ideas or products. You seem like a very rude and phony woman, with whom I would never actually enjoying doing crafts. However, over the weekend I was lured into purchasing one of your products that are now carried at Home Depot.

 

Namely, this...

 

 

"Oh sure," you say. "My special glitter finish. You use that as a top coat."

 

"You lying bitch!" I exclaim. "That is most certainly not how it is advertised in your store display."

 

I went into Home Depot looking for a simple white, acrylic base to coat the inside of some decorative glassware. It was an idea I had seen on Pinterest, of course. Normally, I'd make this sort of purchase at Hobby Lobby, but it was Sunday and we were already at Home Depot.

 

I wandered over to the paint section and was greeted by your large end cap display of decorative paints. I picked up one of the small plastic pots and immediately noted the watery consistency. It seemed perfect for my project, since I would be needing to water down any standard acrylic paint. As I examined the white, glittery concoction I noticed that it specifically said "decorative finish."

 

I reluctantly placed it back onto the rack, as I desired something more opaque. However, upon further inspection I noticed there were sample boards attached to the display, which showed the finished product of all of your nifty little paints. And there it was in its white, sparkly, totally opaque glory... Icecap White 442 843.

 

I was so excited about this paint, with its perfect consistency and opaqueness, that I totally disregarded my lack of trust in your charlatan "DIY" company. I quickly snatched the pot back up and hurried to find my husband. While checking out I grimaced at the nearly $9.00 price tag for a mere 10 oz of paint, but it was going to be perfect. It's the type of paint that I imagine would result from grinding-up and liquefying unicorn horn. So home it came.

 

Tonight was the moment of truth. I used your magical glitter paint to coat the inside of a vase to create a faux milk glass effect. I then tinted some more of the paint and coated the inside of an old mason jar. I was ecstatic. So happy in fact, that I Instagrammed my beloved project...

 

 

Do you see it? Do you see how perfect that looks? I left my precious glassware out to dry while I went about my evening. I returned to our kitchen to, once again, admire my work and quickly noticed a problem. It appeared as though the paint hadn't properly dried to the top of my vase and slid down the sides before it was fully dry. I picked the vase up to invert it for further drying, hoping the paint would run back in the other direction when, to my horror, I noticed that it wasn't at all what I thought.

 

 

The paint was drying clear... Like a glaze. I looked in horror at both of my projects just to confirm. My fears were correct. This beautiful, opaque paint that looked to cover perfectly in the store's sample, was basically glorified nail polish. I should've been more wary when I opened the paint container and noticed that it smelled like a vodka-soaked frat house the morning after a huge party. I knew acrylic paint didn't have that smell, but I was bewitched by the sparkle.

 

So here I sit, watching the paint dry onto nothing like what my creative mind envisioned. I don't really know how to fix this, Martha. I'm assuming that I'll just get some real acrylic paint and put a second coat onto my glassware, but that's not the point. The point is that your paint display is nothing more than a hoax. A sham to swindle well-meaning DIY'ers out of $9.00 for a sparkle-filled lie. I know, you'll say that the paint pot clearly says "finish" on it. I was well aware of that. However, your deceitful sample was my undoing.

So I hope you're happy with my $9.00, but it's not about the money to me. It's about the fact that your company charges double what your products are actually worth, for some half-assed craft shit with your name slapped on the front.

 

So Martha, while I'm sure I will find a use for the remainder of my specialty finish, I will be using it begrudgingly and cursing your name with each brushstroke. If you are going to sell craft products at least, for all things good and holy, show an accurate depiction of what your product does (and doesn't) actually do.

 

Thank you,

 

Heather G.

An actual artist and crafter